bleh

The God Awful Truth
Up down Up down. I've got to figure out how to make this wiggly line straight. I dont blame women for not sticking with me. I was good at being bad, as in not letting anyone get too close. When it was all sex and games it was good cause I didn't have to deal with feelings and whether mine would get hurt or whether someone elses would get hurt. All of that's changed now and everyone is getting hurt.

I'm not ready to hurt my boys by turning my back on them. I can't even if their mom is a conniving something else that exploits them when it's to her advantage. For that reason, I may never truly be ready for a relationship cause not too many relationships can survive the mess that my life typically presents itself as. Now the ex-factor isn't the only thing and again I can't argue. It's not that men and women can't be friends but women and men shouldn't be friends when one of them is in a relationship. Especially if they've done the deed before. My problem is that I'm way too laid back to worry about whether something could/would happen or maybe I'm just not serious enough. I can't claim total ignorance or ineptitude in understanding how someone can feel this way. I turned into a bit of a madman a year and some ago when the girl I was living with and trying to have a relationship was dissappearing from 10pm - 3pm the next day. I did the benefit of the doubt thing and well, I was wrong. Not only was she getting laid, a couple of times she took my car to do it. If I look at it that way, I should see error of my ways and I guess that's the problem, I dont look at it that way until it's there in front of me instead of thinking ahead and saying that's a bad idea.

Well there are a lot of things that I do and have done and probably will do that are bad ideas. Turning my back on the kids is not going to be one of them. I never said that I'd stay with their mom or even have a close relationship with her but I made a committment 5 years ago to myself and a little boy that I wouldn't pop in and out of his life as so many others had probably done. It's been a very rocky 5 years and there's no doubt that if it weren't for the bond with the kids, me and mom's would never have spoken again but that's where it is and we forged a begrudging sometimes and wonderful sometimes friendship from it.

At some point in time, all of this is sure to come crashing down around me. I wouldn't dare stop their mom from finding happiness (as it would seem she's desparately trying to do to me) and the boys have a full-time father figure that's there everyday with them and mom completely a family unit in the traditional sense. Until then and even after I'll still always be available to them when they need me and I can. Hopefully one day their mom will realize this too and be happy for me when I find someone.