Yeah, it's two days late

Stoopid TMobile!!!! I guess the lines were very busy when I took this pic but here it is. Atlanta in all it's glory during the festivities. I had a great time with the family. It's times like these when I start to question why we aren't a real family but then I'm not an idiot and realize that if it were meant to work out between me and Jennie, it would have already. I mean I bought a house for her and the kids, I always make sure that they get what they need when they need it. I'll always love her and the boys but we simply cannot be. I can tell that she knows it and I'm still working on convincing myself that I know it too.

It seems to be a bane of contention in every relationship I've had since we broke up so many years ago. Maybe it's my defense mechanism. My out whenever I feel closed in or maybe she enjoys knowing that most women feel like they can't compete with her or that she somehow trumps everyone else. That's not entirely true but she is very important to me as are the kids. I'm a person that is terrified of committment mostly because I think that when you meet the right person you just know and you're with them forever. Most of my friends are married or have long time girlfriends or boyfriends and I wonder how they do it. I've never managed to keep a girlfriend for longer than 3 months until Jennie and at the time, I wasn't sure if I wanted to be girlfriend/boyfriend. We were together for 1 1/2 years the first time and to this day that's still my longest relationship. Because of the kids (trust me, we'd probably never had seen each other again if it weren't for shawn and donovan) we've continued to be in each others lives for 5+ years now. In a strange way this is the most committed I've ever been and I'm not committed to Jennie but to the idea of family even if it's just my psuedo family as I jokingly call them.

I guess there's also great fear. I dont know what happens to them if I move on, get serious, get married. I want Jennie to find happiness as well and hopefully find someone she can love and who will love her and the boys. I plan to always remain in their life but I would be a lot more at ease if I knew she were happy and taken care of. I cant even begin to imagine how strange that sounds. Most exes couldn't care less about how the other was feeling and when it comes to the kids would only want to see the ex when they're dropping them off or picking them up. I'm simply not like that and that's just who I am. That may continually cost me relationships but that's the choice I made. I think everyday how much simpler my life would be now, if I hadn't met Jennie or hadn't become so committed to the kids. Maybe I'd be happily married now and have kids of my own, but I doubt it. That relationship and everything that has happened since has taught me lessons in committment and when I do commit, I know I'll be ready because of it.

Sorry for rambling on. It seems all I do lately is think about why I can't seem to get to the end of the road where the house with the white picket fence and 2.5 children are waiting for me. Isn't that the fairy tale we're all supposed to want?

Am I going to hell?

So I'm sitting in the church since they were going to do a full mass and then have the christening afterwards. Actually, I guess it started even before I got in the church. There's this redhead, omg, she's wearng this short white skirt and I'm wishing I could lop part of my brain right out, cause I'm having thoughts that I dont think I should be having in the church parking lot. Of course as we're sitting waiting for service to begin, a few other mmmmmmmm so good looking ladies come sashaying into view in tight skirts and the whole time I'm just waiting for lightening to light me up like a Christmas tree.

Am I the only one this happens too? Guess since most of my readers are women, I may never know. Do any of you ladies ever have this problem? The inappropriate thought patterns at the very wrong times?

Today it was naughty thoughts at church, yesterday it was the hot girl down the street. Much too young I assume (I'm guessin 16 maybe, hell she could be older who knows)but I wouldn't go there, just can't stop the slight rise I get whenever I see her. Someone please tell me I'm not alone. Other people have thoughts that maybe they want to repress but can't from time to time.