Rerun

The God Awful Truth

Yeah I'm beginning to sound like a rerun and maybe she's right. Maybe we're too different. It doesn't mean I want to give up but that I acknowledge that we have some differences that seem nearly insurmountable.

Same problem, different day. Could it be better and back on again tomorrow, yep but it could very easily go the other way as well. It's draining on me and I know it's even more draining and difficult on her. Still, I'm just not ready to throw in the towel though sometimes you aren't given an option. I think it's probably one of those back to the drawing board issues. I just feel bad because I know everytime we go thru this she gets hurt and that's the last thing I want.

slowwwwwwwwwwww

Network sweep

I forgot that I probably shoudln't try to do updates during our weekly network virus sweep. I'm just so bad about updating this blog.

Today has been an ok day so far. I've had a few idiot customers that have called and while in some ways it can be frustrating in others it's quite entertaining. I want to tell the one old geezer that calls in from florida to go get a new hearing aid. We're all sitting around listening to him ramble and I ask "So what time did you reboot the server?" and he answers back "Yeah, we rebooted the server" and then goes into a long spiel about something else completely unrelated to the question that I asked. We all just sat around and laughed and had a little conversation amongst ourselves while he continued to talk to the wall. Somewhere around 5 minutes into his spiel, I stopped him and asked him to start over from the beginning with what he thinks went wrong. By this time I'd remotely connected to his system and fixed it anyway but he was entertaining us so we let him continue.

Outside of work, things are stable again. Still working on the difficulties of a long distance relationship and dealing with my ex and the kids. I'm not sure what's going on right now but yesterday she was approved for her apartment and ready to move in tomorrow and this morning they say she doesnt make enough money. I have to care because I dont want to have to worry about where my boys will sleep if the apartment company screws her. I dont know what I can really do either though. I can't put myself on the lease just so she can get the apartment. I'll have to call her later and see what's going on with that. I figure she works for a lawyer, hopefully he's got some connections or can at least scare the leasing company into holding up their original agreement. It shoudln't be my problem but nontheless I have an interest in what happens here.

Did I dream

The God Awful Truth
I woke up this morning still reeling from whatever has gotten ahold of my throat and sinuses. It felt good to get up yesterday and get out of the house though my whole day and maybe many days after would have been different if I'd just stayed home in bed.

So I woke up this morning and part of me wanted to feel like everything was still alright. I wondered if I'd just dreamt that yesterday happened. If maybe it was a Nyquil induced bad dream.
Unfortunately it was not, it was all real and a not so simple act of kindness proved to make a mess of yet another opportunity to right things.

I used to wonder if someone would ever love me. I now know it's possible and the question turns back to me now. Will I ever love enough to give up everything I know for one person? Am I capable of loving someone so much that I would ignore the rest of the world for them? I'm not saying that I've been asked to do that cause I haven't. But that's the kind of love I think it takes sometimes and I just dont know if I've reached that level. They say love is unconditional but that's a load of crap. Love is very conditional. What I've been trying to learn over the years are the conditions and levels and finding that level that lets you know you're ready to spend the rest of your life with someone.

An excerpt from an email I got from a friend recently.

As hard as it is to say this, and as hard as it is to hear it, sometimes people fall in love with the idea of being in love, and not the actual person. They put everything that they see as ideals about love into a little box that has no room for expansion. When they find out that the "person" that they "love" does not fit into that box, they change, and try to change what is happening around them so that they can feel that they were right.

I post that because while I know that the last part doesn't describe me, I worry about the first part. When someone waits so long for love, how does he know when it's the person and not the idea that he's fallen in love with. I dont want to make rash decisions and I dont want to make radical changes at the drop of a hat. I want to take my time to make sure that I'm doing the right thing. As a self-proclaimed lifer, when I do make the decision and walk down that aisle, I want it to be the only time I walk that aisle.

bleh

The God Awful Truth
Up down Up down. I've got to figure out how to make this wiggly line straight. I dont blame women for not sticking with me. I was good at being bad, as in not letting anyone get too close. When it was all sex and games it was good cause I didn't have to deal with feelings and whether mine would get hurt or whether someone elses would get hurt. All of that's changed now and everyone is getting hurt.

I'm not ready to hurt my boys by turning my back on them. I can't even if their mom is a conniving something else that exploits them when it's to her advantage. For that reason, I may never truly be ready for a relationship cause not too many relationships can survive the mess that my life typically presents itself as. Now the ex-factor isn't the only thing and again I can't argue. It's not that men and women can't be friends but women and men shouldn't be friends when one of them is in a relationship. Especially if they've done the deed before. My problem is that I'm way too laid back to worry about whether something could/would happen or maybe I'm just not serious enough. I can't claim total ignorance or ineptitude in understanding how someone can feel this way. I turned into a bit of a madman a year and some ago when the girl I was living with and trying to have a relationship was dissappearing from 10pm - 3pm the next day. I did the benefit of the doubt thing and well, I was wrong. Not only was she getting laid, a couple of times she took my car to do it. If I look at it that way, I should see error of my ways and I guess that's the problem, I dont look at it that way until it's there in front of me instead of thinking ahead and saying that's a bad idea.

Well there are a lot of things that I do and have done and probably will do that are bad ideas. Turning my back on the kids is not going to be one of them. I never said that I'd stay with their mom or even have a close relationship with her but I made a committment 5 years ago to myself and a little boy that I wouldn't pop in and out of his life as so many others had probably done. It's been a very rocky 5 years and there's no doubt that if it weren't for the bond with the kids, me and mom's would never have spoken again but that's where it is and we forged a begrudging sometimes and wonderful sometimes friendship from it.

At some point in time, all of this is sure to come crashing down around me. I wouldn't dare stop their mom from finding happiness (as it would seem she's desparately trying to do to me) and the boys have a full-time father figure that's there everyday with them and mom completely a family unit in the traditional sense. Until then and even after I'll still always be available to them when they need me and I can. Hopefully one day their mom will realize this too and be happy for me when I find someone.

weirdness and crap

Heh
Crap
That's how I feel today. It could either be that a Nutty Butty isn't exactly dinner or that A vanilla shake and apple pie from McDonalds doesn't exactly qualify as breakfast. Whatever it is, I've been visiting my office a lot today. Our administrative assistant just smirks at me everytime she sees me go walking by with reading materials under my arm ;-P I'm sure this is an overshare but the worst part of when this happens is that I get very gasey and sometimes when I think I have to shit, it's just a huge ball of gas that's been trying to get out. Doesn't sound very complicated does it? Well it wouldn't be except that now everytime I feel like I have to fart, I have to make a mad dash to the bathroom so I dont shart myself. Yeah I picked that word up from "Along Came Polly", if you can't figure out what it means, go rent the movie. So anyway, I haven't got much done today because well I've been getting my exercise, running the marathon, you get the picture.

Oh well, hopefully it'll be better tomorrow.

Addendum:
Since I dont update this journal near as much as my LiveJournal I should mention that things are back with Angela. Hard to believe a 35 y/o man is still learning how to date but what can I say I started late. Next on the agenda is to figure out how to close the gap. Long-distance relationships are tough but no sex is even tougher. I need to get closer or she needs to get closer cause I may have a big one but it definitely can't reach Reno from here lol.

I fucked it up

I did it
It shouldn't be surprising. I do it everytime, though this is the first time when it would really count as a fuckup. The others really weren't a big deal cause they were all so wrong in their own way. Well that is except Deb's. I would say that Debs was definitely not a fuck-up, just a missed opportunity. So how did I fuck it up and why did I fuck it up?

Those are good questions. I pushed the envelope a little too far. It was never my intention to stray but I should have known better than to even invite doubt. The Jennie issue, hell I dont even know what to say about that. I couldn't picture myself with Jennie but as she's become a sorta family, I also know that we'll always have this weird familial bond too. So how does that screw everything up? Well no one wants to be second fiddle to the ex, even if they're not really second fiddle and my relationship with jennie and the kids will never fit into the normal confines of what most people expect from someone who's fathered neither kid yet treats them as if they're his own. But even that isn't really how I fucked up, I fucked up cause I didn't just come out and say "I'm going to visit the kids and their family." I didn't say it because of the reaction that I knew would come from it and still I shoulda just said it then and been done with it.

So what now? I dont know. I can't go back to the life I was leading before, that wasn't me. I'm a freak no doubt and I'm a lover no doubt, just
would rather it be on a one to one basis. I do love this woman and while my head is very cloudy as to the future I would like to be with her now and
see where life takes us. This will go down as my first true fuck-up and the first time I've lost something really good that I didn't have to lose. I'll learn from it and maybe next time I wont make the same mistake.