Am I dying

Am I dying

Well of course I am, we all are, that's one of the wonderful presents we get for being born. This morning though I just wish I were dead. I've had some type of throat ailment from sinus infections to tonsilitus since early december. When I get home, I think I'll go kick my doctors ass. Yesterday I finished up the last bit of medicine for the tonsilitus he diagnosed last week and I feel nearly worse than I did before I started it. I'm all for drugs that make you feel better but I think with the fact that I've been prescribed the same medicine 3 times in under 2 months, I think my body is simply rejecting medicine.

Maybe I do just need more sleep as some of my friends say or maybe there's something I dont know. I dont want to die as I'm sure most people would feel the same way. I dont expect that I'll live forever either. We hear all the time in the news or tv of people keeling over. Death is a subject of which I have a morbid fascination. It terrifies me because I do believe in a higher power and I dont believe that I've led a great life. I've always tried to be the best person I could but at the same time I do have my vices and they dont always agree with what we're taught in church on sunday mornings. By the way, I guess I should mention that I've not been to church regularly since before college but I do believe. Our pastor at my home church always said that "Church is in the heart, not necessarily this building where we all meet". I've always remembered that. I'm not dying but when I feel crappy like this , it always reminds me that ay day could be our last. It's still a scary thought but it's an inevitablity that one day will come true.

There I said it

Birthday Reflections

Again, blatantly reposted from my other blog. BUT BUT BUT, this was my original reason for wanting to start a blog or put all my thoughts down on paper. It's also something that I've been terrified of doing because I hide a lot of myself from the bulk of the world. I wish I could be one of those people that didn't give a dam what others thought but I do. This is a huge step for me.

Well my original plan was to do this last night after I had a very deep conversation with my favorite snake. Alas, as happens quite often lately, I fell asleep. Let us hope that doesn't happen when I go visit her next month.

Today is my 35th birthday. I'm old. I dont generally look back on life too much cause there hasn't been a lot in the past to look to. I do remember the great times in college and shortly after college with all my buddies and how we were one big happy gang till the incest started and everyone started marrying each other and having kids. The great thing abuot those frienedships though is that you know even if you dont see or speak to the person for a year that the friendship is still there and just as strong. Friendships have been the basis of my existence for as long as I can remember. Love has always somewhat eluded me but with the great friends I've had I've never really got too depressed over not finding that special someone. All bullshit aside, I'd like to. Who wouldn't? Last night I was told that my current lifestyle (giggle) doesn't really allow for me to find what I say I'm looking for. Till now, my journal has been somewhat fluff filled with tales of my day and a few wild adventures. Well, that's not likely to change cause 1. I'm not a great writer and 2. It's in my psyche to be deathly afraid of what people think about me.

However today I'll share something deep, something that always comes out to people I'm close to eventually and may explain certain things or may mean nothing at all. I dont know what it really means and since it's been so long ago and it's a part of who I am I dont know what reflecting on it or trying to get help (as so many say) would really do. People that meet would never guess that I'm shy or that I have no confidence with women. Hell, though it still amazes me somewhat I've had more sex in the last year than in the first 5 years that I'd been sexually active combined. To a normal person, that might not seem odd but then again, I dont really know what normal is. That's the prize I've been searching for since I was a kid. I dont know when it started and I dont know that I ever really fought it but sometime between the age of 8-12 or maybe even earlier, I really dont know, I was molested. There I said it, big deal. It was my older brother and hell I dont know what was wrong with him. I dont even remember when it stopped. I coulda been 15 or 18. My parents found out I seem to recall. We had one of those talks where they asked if he did stuff to me but we were a very religous family (well at least they were), I guess prayer was supposeed to make it stop. I want to think that was somewhere around age 10-12. In retrospect, I dont think the molestation crap had so much to do with my intimidation when it came to women as much as the fact that I was a skinny, nerdy kid and prejudice, smedjudice. The black kids (especially women) were way meaner to me than the white kids. It was very strange, almost like I was growing up outside my skin. I didn't fit in with the black kids cause I wasnt cool enough and didn't fit in with the white kids cause I was black. If there's one thing that makes me sad, it's not that I was molested or became sexually hyperactive but that being an outsider to all made me uncomfortable in my own skin. I do have black friends but none that are really close and the only time I ever felt really comfortable in the presence of large crowds of my own people was in church. How fucked up is that? Over the years, it's gotten better but I lost something back in my youth that I doubt I can ever get back. My sense of identity as a black male.

See and you thought it was going to be all about the molestation and affect that it had on me. I hear and read in a lot of places that same sex experimentation and all of that jazz is somewhat normal. In my case, it definitely wasnt' normal because I was too young to know if I wanted to experiment or not. The trauma that I went through wasnt' so much the sex part but the physcological part because society says homosexuality is bad and some sort of disease. Well, I'm not homosexual but in order to keep me broken and powerless to really try to stop him, I was told many times that I was a faggot and wanted it and didn't want women and all kinds of other shit. The sex if you could call it that, didn't bother me too much, but the psychological mind-fuck got to me. I was already ostracized somewhat from the black community and had lots of white friends including females but no chance of dating any of them. That fucked me up I think. They say children that are molest either become hypersexual or lose all interest in sex. Wanna guess which one applied to me? So what do you do when you're hypersexual but have absolute 0 confidence to talk to women, are pretty much scared of women of your own race and have succumbed to the fact that you're ugly. I guess in retrospect I did what most teenage boys were doing anyway. I masturbated like crazy, I actually smile and laugh inside to think it was my brother who taught me how. That still didn't fix my problem (my perceived problem that is). I was a faggot, I didn't like women, I would never have sex with a woman. Well, I tell you there were times when it was hard not to believe that especially considering my inability to make any kinda move. I did have lots and lots of female friends though. I was always very good at listening and though I dont know why (maybe it's still buried somewhere), I always accepted friendship with the assumption that maybe it could turn into more later. That's one trait that I dont regret picking up and one that I still employ today even as in a lot of cases, it puts me out of the running for boyfriend or lover. But I digress...I get off track a lot because I write the way I think, things pop into my head and I switch to that for a bit and then sometimes, not always come back to my original thought or point. I had my first date at 22 and lost my virginity at 26. That was soo important to me, it was like I had to prove to myself that I wasn't all those things I had been told as a kid. Of course, I was still hypersexual yet at the same time hoping somehow that I could fuck myself out (does that make sense?). I always saw sex as a bad thing and something you did with people you didn't like. Yeah, I blame that on my brother. It was almost as if I made it my goal to take myself to a level where I had no interest in sex at all cause then I would be pure enough to find true love. Of course, that doesnt' mean I didn't or dont enjoy sex. I've come to enjoy it tremendously but I've still got issues and I'm still dealing with them and now maybe there will be a deeper understanding of my very different personalities. I'll always be the nice guy and slow moving conservative to an extent but underneath there is also a confused sexual freak who questions whether it's normal to enjoy sex with someone you love as opposed to the casual fling or friend.

Well this is getting long and I've got a class to teach so I guess I should get to the point if there is one. It took a lot of years but I eventually became more confident with myself and who I am. I'm still not so good with women on a first time real-time meeting basis. Internet relationships tend to work a little easier for me because I'm more confident in words than actions usually if I meet a woman in person first. In some ways I'm still looking for that thing that would make me "normal" like everyone else but the truth is , everyones got issues. Mine are no worse than anyone elses but they're mine and that's why I rack my brain trying to figure out where I went wrong and if there was something I could have done differently that would have made me "normal".

Sex

Where have I been?
It's been an interesting few days since I last updated my blog. I would say a lot has happened but I dont think it has. It's just been a whirlwind of mis-guided sex and just sex in general. Where do I start? I wanted to chop my penis off after breaking down and having sex with my ex on Friday. She picked me up from the airport and has been trying to command all my time since deciding to come back into my life a few weeks ago. I love having the kids in my life again and I dont mind having mom there too but I have no interest in getting back together with her. Of course, now that we've done the deed I know that I'm going to be hearing about it for a while to come. What the hell was I thinking? Well of course, I couldn't have been thinking, at least not with my head.

Well that whole sexual interlude while not disgusting at the time had me reeling sexually. I thoroughly enjoy sex and at the time enjoyed it but the remorse aftewards was so intense I thought I'd never want to have sex again. Of course, that was until Saturday night lol..when after babysitting I went out to a club with some friends. They'd pretty much already made it known they had planned to take advantage of me by the end of the night and I felt rejuvenated. Then something that rarely and I DO mean rarely happens to me happened. It was only the third time that it has ever happened, I was picked up sorta. As I was heading to the dance floor, this lady grabbed my ass and before I knew it we were three dancing on the floor and bumping and grinding. Nothing really came of it that night but there was a lot of making out on the dance floor and hands were everywhere. I've never had that confidence that a lot of guys have to approach any girl and just start talking to them and stuff like that. Nights like saturday are always a boost for me.


That takes us to sunday, I was already planning to be off monday even though my original plans fell through. Well another friend had come up earlier in the weekend to hook up with a mutual friend and was sorely dissappointed. Joking I told my friend out west that I should go take care of her myself and she agreed. Now like I said before, I thoroughly enjoy sex as a rule and I'm all about giving pleasure so I was definitely agreeable to the idea. Well it was definitely an incredible night of passion. I felt like I came 20 times when actually it was probably more like 6 or 7, which is still pretty impressive by most counts. Well it was definitely the perfect end to a very not-so-perfect weekend. Now I think it's time for me to take a break so that I never take any of this for granted.

It was a good night

Yeah baby Yeah
yeah I'm lazy
I've been talking about updating this thing for three days now. I feel much better than the last time I updated this journal. Hmmmm...what could it be, well I guess getting laid never hurt anyone. It was sweet, delicious, tight and very wet. But actually my disposition had already improved before the joys of last night. I dont know what the fuck I was thinking earlier in the week. I hold out on this notion of sometime deeper than sex, something that transcends boundaries and in the end, despite the feelings we think we have it probably does just boil down to sex. Now the fucked up thing is you probably think the awesome sex I had last night was with the special lady from my last entry. Nope, but it made me reconsider if I was truly upset sunday over not getting to see her or because I knew that even if I did get to see her, there woudl be no sex. Oh well, my goal is to fughetaboudit and put the intimate relationship in the past where it belongs even if the next time we happen to see each other we're both single. I had my cake...I can't expect to eat it too.

Now on to other subjects. I dont know what I'm going to do about my ex. Drops out of my life taking the kids with her for 7 months because I had a sex life. Well fuck, she had a sex life too and hers was waayyyyy more active than mine. The real reason she took the kids away from me was that she couldn't use them to control me. Why is it that sometimes people dont want you to have anyone even if the dont want you which in our case I was of the opinion at the time that we most definitely didn't want each other. Still we had and have a bond that will always be special due to the kids. So flash back to present day and out of nowhere I get the call that she wants me to pick up our oldest from his nanny's cause she'd hurt herself. Well of course there was no way I was going to say no and now it's supposed to be like nothing ever happened. I love my boys more than anything and even she will always have a special place in my heart but she must be smoking something if she thinks I have any interest in trying to get back together or spend every waking moment with her. I feel a big talk coming up soon cause I have plans and people to see and I'll take the kids anytime she'll let me have them but I aint ready to give up my social life over her.

Now is the time when we dance ~ dieter

Gumble Grumble Grumble

I suck
again, here I am blatantly slacking off and pasting from my other journal entry today instead of writing anything original for this one.

I'm in a crappy mood
Today was going to be such an awesome day. Well that was three weeks ago when I first arranged the trip. I guess I probably would have been assigned the trip eventually even if I hadn't asked for it. I had no idea when I was in Ohio last month that my co-worker was leaving or that my special lady had met someone. Well I guess that's not entirely true, I knew she'd met someone, but at the time, he was still in between girlfriends so she couldn't even be sure she could see him. At any rate, I was just giddy at the thought of getting to see her again and getting to experience lovemaking that I still haven't been able to describe. Somehow I'd missed something because when I announced that I'd taken this trip and was planning to stay thru the weekend to be with her on Valentines Day, I got blindsided by reality. It's like the title of that movie "Reality Bites". I had no reason to be upset, we live in different states, we had other lovers, we had already discussed that neither of us had intentions of moving so why do I feel so crappy today?

I dont want to start a Harry met Sally type can guys and girls just be friends trend but the plan was to just hang out today and maybe watch the superbowl together. The day isn't all that early anymore and I did make an attempt and place a call, I've heard nothing so my new plan is to sit in my room, watch the game and probably sulk. The strange thing about it is that I actually think it was probably best that we didn't see each other anyway but still I'm sulking. I guess the fact that I couldn't find my original hotel and after driving 30 something miles away decided to fuck it and just get a hotel where I was didn't help. Again, it's a decision that's probably for the best since it's closer to where I'll actually be working this week but nonetheless out in the middle of nothing and sure to be boring. Something about today just sucks. Hopefully my night will be better.

To an extent I'm sure it will, I know I'll see my special west coast peep online sometime tonight and she will definitely bring a smile to my face. I just feel like a jerk somewhat for being grumpy today.

Parallels

CopyCatting

Yeah, you could say that I'm copy catting myself since I've been posting to two blogs the last few days. They're both personal but I think I've already let more slip here than anywhere else so maybe that means this is my favorite or something.

It was another boring day at work and on the boards of my favorite site. Can OT really affect your mood? I'm beginning to seriously wonder about that. I notice that the day seems to go faster when there is lots of activity on the boards. It's like a welcome distractiion from all the annoying people yelling in my ear all day. From time to time, I just tune the customers out completely and read as I pretty much know what their issue is and can fix it without their input remotely. Of course then I get snapped back to reality when they ask me a question about what they just said and I have go, come again?

Oh well...before last week I was super excited about this week and couldn't wait for sunday to get here. I was going to see my love again and make passionate love or so I thought. I can't really be upset though, we live in different states and had already discussed that we weren't exactly trying to move so I should be happy that she found someone. Ok it still felt like a kick in the nutts. It will still be nice to see her only now I'm very much confused as to how I'm going to feel. We both had/have other lovers and I hadn't really expected that to change but ..... well there's nothing to say to that , that would make any sense anyway. I'm happy for her and one day will be happy for me.

I've met a really cool girl on the west coast and we've been having a lot of fun conversing and flirting and all that. BUT, therein lies the essence of my problems, I dont know if I'm afraid to get close to someone that actually lives within driving distance of me or if it's just my luck that women I could seriously date all live unreasonable distances away. Well, we may never know cause (and I'll never admit it again), I'm much too chickenshit to approach most women in the conventional sense. It's always been much easier to meet them online where rejection stings about as much as a cottonball to the head. Another truth, I actually feel attractive on the internet, not so much in person. I'm slowly growing into the fact that women DO actually find me attractive but the confidence to use that to be stronger in approaching is still a long ways off.

Wow...that's more than I ever really expected to reveal. I like to think I'm still a bit of a mystery even to myself.


Anyways, since my initial intent in coming here this afternoon was to paste my entry from my other journal, here it is:
I've posted twice in one day to my journal. With all the stuff I should be getting done in preparation for my trip this weekend I should be too busy to be bored but alas I'm bored. It's strange, it's not like there isn't enough work to do because there is and I've still got shit I gotta get done or check before I leave today. I think it's my addicition to the internet. I sprinkle lots of reading of my favorite sites into my day and the last few weeks things have been so slow that it's actually made the days seem slower.

It's been a quiet few weeks after-hours too. My maintstream friends that find this would freak if they knew some of the stuff I've gotten into on weekends. This week has been filled with picking up the kids after school and playing with them till they fall asleep each night. Mom's not been feeling well so after 6 months of being unacceptable, I'm suddenly acceptable to be in their life again. What do I say??? Whatever I'll take it. Love is one of those things that I've struggled with my whole life but I know I love those kids and that's pretty much all that matters. There are a lot of options that I could have tonight (and I'm surprised that I can actually say that) but most likely I'll be with my kids and mama. I doubt I'll be able to talk my way out of staying tonight since I can't use work in the morning as an excuse and I know the boys would love for me to be there when they wake up in the morning. I have to admit that I like being home in the evenings cause it's given me a chance to flirt with my new buddy out west and chat with my nerdy friends from SB(they know who they are). I guess there's always next week when I'll be on the road and thus glued to my laptop every night in my hotel room. Gotta remember to set the vcr. That's pretty sad but not as sad as the fact that I honestly think my love affair with TV help cost me a relationship two years ago. Yeah sit back and chew on that one for a bit.

Ok enough of the most boring blog on the net. It's time for me to head off and pick up the kids. I'll be looking for you later...you know who you are.

What my name means

Fun with Letters

So I was chatting with friends in my RealityTV chatroom last night and the subject of Star War's terms for masturbation came up. Yeah, you're wondering how does that come up in a conversation. Well you'd be surprised the stuff that comes up when a bunch of nerds get together. At any rate, I couldn't exactly find the page to see what Star Wars Term I would use for masturbation so I just bookmarked the site so I could go back and find it later.

Sitting at work this morning I decided to check it out and STILL couldn't find it so I decided to give something else a try. I'd noticed that some people on Literotica had these little boxes with their nicknames spelled out and words for each letter. Well I had no idea where this crap came from , I thought maybe they were just real creative. It turns out though that they got them off this blogspot site. I figured what the hey, I'll give it a shot.

STEVEN
S	is for	Sensitive
T	is for	Timeless
E	is for	Earthy
V	is for	Vain
E	is for	Extreme
N	is for	Normal

What Does Your Name Mean?

So there it is, I think it's pretty close.

Women

The things guys do for women

So, I barely update this blog and now I've started another. I guess that's why men will always be the weaker sex. We can't resist a nice set of titts. Hah...that's not even true cause I haven't seen her tits but she is pretty dam fine from what I've seen so far.

Since I'm a lazy sob, I figured instead of posting new shit here, I'd just repost from my new blog. So here it comes...I know you've been waiting for it.

Why not? I figured now was as good a time to start my journal as any and when I look over, the clock shows the time in PST. Yeah, that was an interesting entry wasn't it? Ok so maybe not but I'm a lazy writer.

I'm sitting here at work debating whether I should go out to eat and stop by the post office or just stay in and drop the letters in the box later. It shouldn't be a big conundrum but I'm still pissed about the fucking ticket or I should say tickets I got back in December. They're both due this month just in time to drain $560 from my tax returns. Yeah, we know who the real theives are dont we? My next investment will definitely be a radar dectector. I've resisted the urge to buy one before because I convinced myself that I was goiing to stop speeding. My definition of speeding and the cops definitions apparently are two different things. I guess it could be worse so I'll just shut my mouth and look down evry now and again from here on out.

Ok , stomach is saying lunch or else so I think it's a trip to the post office for me. Last thing I need is for this bribe(err payment) to get there late and lose my license.

I'm bored

What a boring week

Sad thing is the week just started so I guess really I'm just still bored from last week. There hasn't been too much going on in my life recently. I've finally gotten a break from all the parties and stuff my friends have been throwing. That has been kinda nice cause as much as I love porn and sex, even that can get boring after a while.

I was mucking around with my other laptop last night and came across the literotica site that I haven't visited in ages. There's something exciting about reading other peoples intimate thoughts or viewing their teasing photos. Teasing can be way more sexual than just throwing it out their in your face sometimes. That's not to say I wouldn't want it thrown in my face on occasion.

Anyway, today I'm sitting at work with a backlog of stuff to try and get done but I'm still bored. What's it going to take to get me excited again. I dont know.