I fucked it up

I did it
It shouldn't be surprising. I do it everytime, though this is the first time when it would really count as a fuckup. The others really weren't a big deal cause they were all so wrong in their own way. Well that is except Deb's. I would say that Debs was definitely not a fuck-up, just a missed opportunity. So how did I fuck it up and why did I fuck it up?

Those are good questions. I pushed the envelope a little too far. It was never my intention to stray but I should have known better than to even invite doubt. The Jennie issue, hell I dont even know what to say about that. I couldn't picture myself with Jennie but as she's become a sorta family, I also know that we'll always have this weird familial bond too. So how does that screw everything up? Well no one wants to be second fiddle to the ex, even if they're not really second fiddle and my relationship with jennie and the kids will never fit into the normal confines of what most people expect from someone who's fathered neither kid yet treats them as if they're his own. But even that isn't really how I fucked up, I fucked up cause I didn't just come out and say "I'm going to visit the kids and their family." I didn't say it because of the reaction that I knew would come from it and still I shoulda just said it then and been done with it.

So what now? I dont know. I can't go back to the life I was leading before, that wasn't me. I'm a freak no doubt and I'm a lover no doubt, just
would rather it be on a one to one basis. I do love this woman and while my head is very cloudy as to the future I would like to be with her now and
see where life takes us. This will go down as my first true fuck-up and the first time I've lost something really good that I didn't have to lose. I'll learn from it and maybe next time I wont make the same mistake.