From feeling great to shit in 10 secs

I had an incredible weekend in San Francisco. I was on cloud nine and then I came home. I think sometimes that my life would be so much easier if I just never came home.

I've not shared a lot on here recently but there are many that know of my two little boys and our long and strange history. I am most definitely not Shawn's dad, he was 3 when me and mom got together. There's very little chance that I could be Donnie's dad either as we were separated and not having relations for 3 months prior to her getting pregnant. Nonetheless, these two kids are mine, I've been there for 5 years with the exceptions being the three times that my ex decided I wasn't fit to be in their life (each time because I was dating someone she didn't approve of). To be entirely fair to her, the first time we split, I did send her and shawn away. I sent them back home to live with her parents because I didn't think it was possible for me to find love with her living with me after we had split. She was living her life and having a ball and I was undatable because I lived with my ex and her kid and no-one believed for a second that was platonic. That was the hardest thing I ever did in my life and within two days of sending them home, I got dumped for basically the same reasons.

A month later, I got the call from my ex that she was pregnant. Of course, I had no idea why she would be telling me seeing as we hadn't had sex in 3 months and I knew she was sleeping around. Nonetheless when I found out, I flew down to florida and went to the prenatal visit with her and before you knew it we were dating again. I told her throughout though that I didn't think I should be involved in Donnie's life. I was already ingrained into Shawn's life but didn't want to get attached to the baby.

So here we are 4 years later and I've been daddy to Shawn and Donnie for most of their lives. I've had absolutely zero parental rights and I'd offered to adopt or take a paternity test for Donnie even though there was simply no chance he could be mine. People who know me well, know that I'm not really hardcore for or against anything. I'm pretty flexible and laid back but the one thing that I've never wavered on since that one time I sent them away is my kids or my albeit strange relationship with my ex. I would hazard to say that I've lost out on more than a few relationships because I refused to give up my friendship with my ex or my relationship with my kids.

Here is where the very serious advice comes in that I'm asking for. This is not easy for me and I love my ex, dearly even though I dont like her half the time and absolutely hate the way she's used the kids in the past as a way of hopefully controlling me. I've butted head with my friends and previous lovers many times over her and they all know that I never planned on walking away from them. The new/final problem is that apparently she's been dating someone off and on for a year now and he thinks I'm the devil and it's been a huge problem in their relationship the entire relationship. I am not the devil, I'm not exactly an angel either but I've never done anything to harm the kids and for this guy to hate me as much as he does, I'd be very interested to know what all he thinks I've done to her and them. The wonderful and awful thing about kids is that they repeat anything they hear without any grasp of whether or not it's appropriate or not. Shawn's told some of my friends before that his mom doesn't like them because she's said it. Tonight he asked me if I remember this guy as the guy who called me a complete dufus and idiot which did not bother me but if it had been someone else, that can lead to resentment against him for saying/repeating it.

Long story, even longer, I've been seeing my boys 2-4 times a week since my ex decided I was good enough to see them again back in July. I had no concept of this guy she loves and wants to marry(didn't say whether he wanted to marry her). All I knew was that she was seeing a two people and neither of them were in a hurry to move forward. She did tell me earlier this year that he hated me because of what I did to her and the boys(I'm still waiting to find out exactly what that was). So cut to last week and after spending the afternoon with the boys I tell her that I'm going to let her use my car for the week since I'll be out of town and her car has some issues. I didn't get any complaints then or since until she started to run low on gas and then she called joking that she wanted her car back. By friday, she's calling to tell me that I shouldn't take her car without asking because she's supposed to see her sorta-bf(last we talked, she never indicated that they'd gotten back together) and he doesn't like me and would be pissed that she has my car. There wasn't a whole lot I could do about that from California so I told her we would switch cars when I got back today.

I arrived back in town and proceeded to drive to her apartment as we discussed only she wasn't home when I got there. Now I have a key to her apartment and she has one to my house so I could have gone inside and waited but I chose to wait outside. Five minutes later, she drives up with the kids and sort-bf in the car. That's when Shawn reminded me of what her sorta-bf thought of me and she again told me never to borrow her car again without asking her and under her breath said that I didn't know how much sh!t she had to take for having my car and seeing me. I had hoped to spend some time with the kids this afternoon but knew that was out of the question with him there so I got my car and left to go home. Halfway home, I get the crying frantic call about how I've ruined her relationship and he's broken up with her because she was still associating with me after all I've done to her and the boys. Again, I am not perfect but I know that I've never done anything to hurt the kids and can't imagine what horrible things he must think I've done to hate me so much that he would expect her to kick me out of their life after 5 years when he can't have been there longer than 1 at the most.

I want her to be happy. I want her to find someone and get married. I want the kids to have a complete home with a full time mom and dad. I'm hurt and lost as to how I could be painted as someone so evil that the mere association with me is enough for him to dump her and her to be extremely upset about it. This is someone she says she would like to marry but I've been a problem in their relationship since day one.

My question is what should I do? I've been told many times by many different people (usually girlfriends) that it wasn't healthy for me to be in their lives if I'm not going to marry the mom or because she does the push and pull thing taking them away from me when it suits her. After the last time, she said it wouldn't happen again because both boys are old enough now to realize that I've been dad for as long as they can remember. I told her if it was going to cause the boys harm having me in their life, I would step back and they could go about their life free of me. I'm very confused as to what to really do here.

I'm getting married next year, that's the plan. My syren has a kid as well but he's old enough to know that I'll never replace his real father even if I do become dad to him. My boys have never known their real fathers. They've only known me. I dont know what is wrong and what is right and I want honest opinions as to whether I've been helping or just hurting the kids by being here.