Ch. 4 Major Malfunctions times two

Well when she left off, we'd decided to give this whole relationship thing we'd both been trying to avoid a try. In just the last year I'd been in one serious relationship, one that I wish would have been a lot more serious, a long distance relationship that I thought might be the one and a relationship that I thought was just "friends with benefits" but was thought differently by the other party. Suffice it to say, I wasn't really trying to have a relationship with anyone but we had this chemistry that couldn't be denied.

I've always long held that I put more stock in friendships than relationships because they last longer. That's not to say I hoped to never find love but whereas so many of my friends believed that the attraction had to be instant I always thought friends first was better. In the past it'd always landed me in the the "Just Friends" boat with women that I was interested in for the first almost 28 years of my life. Still, my friends had always been my life and everything to me so while I may have been a bit lonely at times, I never felt alone.

That said, one of the main reasons that we took the next step was that we had become best friends and we knew that regardless of what happened between us sexually, romantically or otherwise, we had a great friendship underneath it all and that would always perservere. And considering some of the secrets I told her in the very beginning (stuff I just couldnt' imagine I'd tell someone I'd known for such a short time), I was certain that I'd have to marry her just to make sure she couldn't testify against me. Ok, so maybe not that last part...hehe..but we'd shared a lot and we knew there was something special to be sharing things as intimate (and not always sexually intimate) as we did with each other.

Seems like a lot of buildup huh? You're probably wondering ok, what does this all have to do with anything? Well we started dating but by this time we'd only actually been in each others presence twice though we were still on the phone or computer constantly. I was a master at fucking up a good thing and I was pretty sure this new relationship would be no different. During the time that we really began to start to like each other I was trying to do the dating thing, you know where you date around without necessarily getting serious with one person. I'd never really done that before, probably more because I never thought more than one woman would be interested in me much less at the same time. I was afraid of getting too serious with someone quickly and then realizing that I wanted someone else. That and even with the limited relationship experience I'd had up to that point, I'd always gone straight from Hello to a committed relationship with pretty poor results. Sooooooo i'd just come out of a bad situation where some feelings had gotten hurt and there was a bit of anguish on both sides when we decided to try this open relationship.

I've got a few weaknesses and this one particular person was a huge one. TMI alert we had wild animalistic sex that left me drained for days end TMI. Well things hadn't ended well and Tara knew the whole story and how bad I felt about the way things ended so she was definitely not wanting me to go down that particular road again. Well as I said before, I had a penchant for fucking up a good thing and chance just happened to put me and her together again for a nite. Yes, I screwed up, literally and figuratively and the repurcussions of the shock wave from that incident were felt by all three of us. It wasn't so much that I slept with her but that Tara knew how much pain I put myself thru the first time things went sour and she didnt' want either of us to go through it again. It could have all come to an end right there but our friendship and love prevailed. I guess part of the reason we made it past that first hurdle was because I didn't hide it or really try to hide it. I knew that I was pretty weak in that regard on my way down there and was telling her on the phone on my way, yes we talked on the phone that much. She tried to convince me not to go and I probably should have just mailed what I needed to return but I guess a part of me was trying to fuck up because it's what I do. I'm glad to say that I didn't succeed entirely and all parties eventually ended up happy in their own ways. (not at that time of course but since)

So that was the first of several checks of whether or not we were going to make it. We got more serious after that test and really began to focus more on our relationship with each other and with others. While we didn't and dont have a convential relationship by conservative societies standards we still had ground rules. One of those ground rules was that even little white lies were bad and omission was just as bad as lying. While I try very hard to be the best person I can be and succeed in many ways, I dont always succeed. It was late august and I already knew that we had something extremely special and I wasn't going anywhere. The thoughts of marriage had started to enter my head but I wasn't about to say anything out loud about it. I'd also not said much publicly about us dating as I'd jumped the gun in announcing my romantic adventures online in the past which always made me feel awful if/when things didn't work out. I just couldn't imagine her wanting to be with me, there had to be someone better out there for her so I was quiet publicly while she was not so much.

My silence and some sexual blocks I run into when dealing with people I love started to test our relationship further. I had been more public about some of my previous relationships but they'd all fizzled. We had been freakier to say the least before and those were issues that I was going to have to work on. However because of both of these issues, a lie of omission and then an outright lie threatened everything we'd been building on for nearly 7 months. I'm sure some would like details but it was extremely difficult for everyone and it's one scab that I know we'd both like to leave healed. We'd had our third meeting just after the lie of omission but before it had all come to light. It was a wonderful four day weekend and the most time we'd been able to spend together up to that point.

The Breakup....
Like I said, I wont go into details of what happened but a trust was broken. There isn't much that gets said to either one of us that the other doesn't know or find out. We keep other peoples secrets within reason but we simply dont keep alot from each other. Well, because we shared everything, some things got out that I really didn't want out. I've never been one to concern myself with my own feelings so much as worrying about others. Feelings were hurt, emotions were wrecked and though it was totally my fault that the issue had even come up, I decided we should take a break. Odd thing, I was mad at myself and I was mad at her but before the breakup, I already knew I would ask her to marry me someday. I'd discussed it with a few close friends but I couldn't dissuade her feelings that maybe I just wanted to run. I'm sure she'll tell you herself that when she gets upset or worse mad, you better watch out. There was a lot of anger initially and it looked like the friendship might be more doomed than the relationship.

However, we continued to talk. Not as much at first because there was still a lot of anger and confusion on both sides but we started out as friends and through it all we knew that we'd always be friends. Slowly the calls, emails and chat sessions picked up steam again but alas we weren't exactly a couple anymore.

I'm sure she'll pick up where I left off tomorrow and get to the 4th meeting and the surprise (well for her anyways)