Birthday Confessions
Have you ever listened to people describe you to someone else? Listen to them tell someone how wonderful you are or how lucky they may be to have you as a friend/boyfriend/girlfriend or whatever? Have you ever sat there listening to them describe you to someone else and look around to see who they're really talking about. What do you do when you dont/cant live up to their expectations/opinion of you? Do you live a lie?
I feel like I definitely live a lie. There are so many areas of my life where I'm perfectly happy with my demeanor, morals or the way I interact with other people. I have a wonderful fiance who deserves much better than me. In our How we Met story, I talked about lies of omission and outright lies. These lies revolve around the one area of my life that I've always had problems with. The one area that as a kid growing up, I'd tried to distort to the point that I hoped I could lose all interest. Sex. Yup sex. I have some serious sexual issues that makes me love it and despise it at the same time. That might sound like most peoples views on sex but it is different for me. I had some rather unpleasant childhood experiences but I cant continue to blame my sexual issues on them if I've done nothing to fix it over the years. It's the simple things, things that I love to do but can't do with those I love. Things that I used to be able to do or want to do all the time but as things got more serious refused to do. I hope that I will never be as bad as Arkies ex and we dont have a problem with having sex or where or when but more the how. Our relationship is not quite like most of our friends and while not unique we do have issues that are somewhat unique. If it were something that I simply could not do period, it wouldn't be a problem, but since it is things that we both know I like and enjoy and given the opportunity can and would do with others it is serious.
I wont get into details but my issues have led to other related issues and the end result was that I did hurt someone I love not once but twice. Why she puts up with me I have no idea but she is the strongest and sweetest person I know and that is just one of the reasons I love her so much. I wish that I was able to ease her fears and stop giving her additional reasons for concern but alas I've failed in that regards on more than one occasion. So for all the nice guy appearance and attempts to be the person that a lot of people think I am. I have failed and continue to fail from time to time and I know that is something that I will have to work on.
posted by BlindSlim~CSTL at 8:41 AM
8 comments
8 Comments:
Recognizing you have a problem should be the first step of working through it. We all have our faults. To share this is really something.
*hugs*
Hang in there!
Nobody is perfect and we are all human. You should understand and accept that within yourself.
{{{hugs}}}
Oh! Happy Birthday!
Thanks Sonya and Allie (is it ok if I call you Allie). I appreciate the comfort though I dont deserve it and dont expect it. I have issues and they've caused hurt and I deserve to be browbeaten.
It's beyond not being perfect. Before now I never really thought that I could ever be happy. I lived my entire life with a happiness born out of being distraught over the failures of my life. I dont know how much sense that make but I was never truly happy unless I was truely miserable because I couldn't achieve the happiness that others had. Becuase of this I resigned myself to not striving for happiness anymore. I settled for whatever I could get and was quite happy(oxymoron) with my short stints of romantic happiness. Now I have someone who loves me implicitly and wants to give me the happiness that I never thought I ever deserved and all I've pretty much done since is try to get myself back into my old miserable habits. It's as if I dont know how to be satisfied with what I have and so I have to push until I either push away or self-destruct.
She's been the strength in our relationship. Nothing bothers me because I expect to be dissappointed and she's never done anything to dissappoint me. The question that I have to ask and that I expect everyone to ask me because I am to blame for my issues and unfortunately a lot of her sadness is do I love her enough to stop the hurt and fix my issues that have brought her pain?
I've got to stop focusing on me and my issues and start thinking about how my decisions affect all of us. All of us including our unborn.
Of course you can call me Allie!
I wish I could help you to help yourself, but I don't know how. All I can offer is many {{{hugs}}}. I hope you can work this through. Both you and she deserve to be happy.
*smooch* You already know how I feel, so just a *smooch* for now.
The question that I have to ask and that I expect everyone to ask me because I am to blame for my issues and unfortunately a lot of her sadness is do I love her enough to stop the hurt and fix my issues that have brought her pain?
I've got to stop focusing on me and my issues and start thinking about how my decisions affect all of us.
I think this is a question that a lot of people need to ask themselves. For some reason, Steve, this is one of the most memorable statements I have ever read. I think too many of us focus so much on ourselves that we never take the time to think about how our actions affect others. I wish more of us could do this. Including myself. *hugs*
Hugs and kisses. It is hoped that through love all can be conquered!
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